I want strong coffee and a lot of guacamole!

I hate to be disappointed. Of course it’s going to happen in life and is something that we come to expect and even prepare ourselves for. At work I am often disappointed by a debtor not following thru with a payment or a client not placing business when they said they would. But when disappointment enters into the one of my biggest pleasures, I get really angry.

The next time that I go to a Mexican restaurant and ask for guacamole I better get a whole avocado’s worth of guacamole. Not this ridiculous little tablespoon in a mini bowl for which I am expected to pay $5! Same goes for sour cream. If I am going to eat something I want it all, I want the whole experience, not a taste!

Same goes for coffee. I don’t want weak coffee! I want coffee that makes your heart stop and WAKES YOU UP! Not some watered down version of the real thing. Speaking of coffee I also want to be clear that when I ask for cream. I am not referring to the little plastic doo-dad filled with some sort of chemical version of milk that never goes bad. I want half and half or milk. I want the real deal not an imitation.

Butter. There is nothing wrong with butter! I want unsalted real butter. Not this weird stuff that is literally part plastic. I want butter; butter is one of the most amazing beautiful things in this world. I want a lot of it!

Cream cheese. When I get a bagel with cream cheese I want gobs of the stuff. Cream cheese is a decadent wonderful addition to a bagel. You don’t lightly spread cream cheese; you slather the stuff on at least a half inch thick! Or just don’t bother…

Ketchup. On the rare occasion that I go to a fast food restaurant and get a burger and fries, I want ketchup. How are you going to hand me a “super size” fries and then two little packets of ketchup? What the hell? I want at least like seven of those little ketchup packets. Or even better how about we make the ketchup packets for grownups and include maybe more that a squirt per packet. How come no one has handled this issue?!?!?!?

Overall I just want more. I want real food and I don’t want to feel cheated when it is put in front of me. Disappointment is a part of life and I get that. But food is a simple pleasure and if you love it I know you feel me on this, don’t fix what isn’t broken or skimp on the good stuff. Life is short!!! Use your good china and buy the good wine. Eat real butter… Trust me.

Grateful

I woke up this morning and got my coffee then climbed back in bed and turned on the TV to watch the news. It’s 9/11… I felt so stupid that I hadn’t seen that coming. All day yesterday I was at the office writing the date and it never occurred to me that 9/11 was coming?

Like everyone else I remember where I was when it happened. I had just returned to London from the Canary Islands and was already in my own international life crisis. It was afternoon in London and I was on the phone with Dan here in the states. It was early morning here and we were discussing my return to the states and planning the start of Greentree & Associates. He put me on hold for a second and came back on the line and told me a plane had hit one of the twin towers. We hung up and literally every cell phone and phone in the flat started ringing. I answered the house phone and it was Scott yelling at me to turn on the TV. Scott and I were breaking up and we were barely speaking so it was kind of a strange feeling to even hear his voice let alone the tension and forcefulness in it. I turned on the TV and started changing channels thinking the same movie was on every station. It took a few seconds for it to really sink in that this was real.

We sat there in silence watching the same footage over and over. Then the second plane hit. For the next hour it literally felt like it was never going to end. The news in Europe posted maps of the U.S. with the words “America under attack”. It was a nightmare. It took hours to get thru to my mother in the states and when I finally got thru we stayed on the phone for more than an hour not wanting to break the connection. I wanted to get home immediately but that door had closed and I was stuck in Europe whether I liked it or not until further notice. Thus began the almost two weeks of waiting for a flight to get home and the constant questioning of my decision not only to get on a plane but to leave Scott and London.

Tony Blair was on the television addressing Americans that were in England. He told us we were safe however suggested we avoid public congregation…

There were several temper tantrums and tears during the several days I was waiting to come home. My whole life felt like a mess. Scott and I have talked at length about those days and how we felt. We have wondered about what would have happened if we had made different choices but in the end it is clear that we are exactly who we are supposed to be and where we are supposed to be now. I really cherish his friendship and appreciate that we remain friends to this day. We went thru a really crazy couple years roaming around the planet being young and stupid. Good times…

This morning I sat in bed watching the news with Milo and Benny and thought about that day 9 years ago. How different everything is now and how even after all this time when I think about the people on flight 93 and the people in the towers I still get emotional. Sometimes when I think back to that time in my life I don’t even recognize myself. I’m so grateful for the life that I have now and actually grateful for the lessons I learned from the life I had then. Today I think I will hug Benny a couple more times than usual and make sure to call my ma & pa and tell them I love them. Today I will be grateful…

I'm the last one to quit...

This past weekend was so fun. We spent the long weekend with our friend Oonagh. She is a fabulous friend and one of the few people I consider to be as insane as I am.

The whole weekend was planned around drinking wine and hanging out on the patio listening to music and chatting. Come to find out Oonagh quit smoking! One less person to smoke with... I can't believe how I am surrounded by quitters!!!

I woke up yesterday, the first day back to the daily grind and literally had a hard time catching a breath. My sinuses were all jacked up and I just felt poisoned. SO here I am again at the place I have been so many times realizing that the clock keeps ticking and I am the last one to quit. We have made such a strong commitment to eating clean and so far have done really well. It only makes sense that this would be next for me. It is such a gross habit but oh how I love a ciggie and a good glass of wine. But the reality is that I am 35 and really at the age where I will either quit or it will start to get ugly.

Therefore I am declaring (once again) that I shall quit smoking. I didn't smoke yesterday so today would be day two. This will get ugly so send Benny your prayers and frequent flyer miles....

wine doesn't count!

It has been a particulary challenging couple weeks for us. We have held tight to the "diet" though and haven't eaten any meat or chemicals. With that being said I must confess that we took a vote last Friday and decided that we were going to drink wine and I even smoked.... I know I know it's horrible but I don't care!

We both feel great and actually haven't missed meat at all. I admit I miss chips but we have gotten really creative and Benny is really rockin out the vegetarian recipes.

I can't even imagine us not drinking wine. We love a good merlot and I must say that some of my favorite memories in life have involved hanging out with friends and drinking wine. I can't tell you how many times I have sat with Dale and drank wine and giggled all night, or Shanna, Or Tina, Or my mother, or Monique, the list goes on and on. I just love wine! So I'm not giving it up, I just won't.

Chips

Do you have any idea how many commercials there are for chips? Like one every 5 minutes!!!!

On the evening of day 3 I am literally choosing to stay at the office instead of going home simply because I can't bare the thought of turning on the TV and seeing another commercial for food I can't have. I plan on timing my arrival at home to right when Benny gets there so I don't have to be alone with my insanity and the growing urge to BBQ the dog.

Day 2

Day 2:

Yesterday wasn’t so bad. I literally ate a whole cabbage by myself and was still hungry. It’s amazing how often I am hungry now. In order to keep my blood sugar normal I am basically eating constantly. I didn’t miss protein or carbs very much because I had my gross high fiber high protein toast in the morning and had beans with lunch. Basically I ate a recipe for bloating yesterday with cabbage and beans galore. Oh yes and I drank 2 gallons of water. I am officially “cleansing”.

We both got home and made dinner and cleaned the kitchen and chatted the whole time. We watched a documentary and were getting ready for bed when all of the sudden the lack of carbs or something created craziness and within seconds we were screaming at each other and both had headaches. When you deprive your body of carbs….It gets pissed. We went to bed and both passed out.

Today was similar. Basically eating obnoxious amounts of vegetables and trying to stay ahead of the headache. Both of us are having weird senses, Benny swears he tastes metal???? When I got home Benny had been busy making dinner. He made AMAZING homeade hummus and we allowed ourselves to each have a whole grain pita. He also made vegan lasagna… It would have been better with cheese. Anyway after dinner I insisted that we head to Jimbos and find some sort of raw dessert. We found some really yummy stuff. Raw cookies for instance which are more like a ball of mashed up dates and raw nuts rolled in coconut. But tonight it was the best thing I had eaten in …. Well two days.

This is also day number two of no smoking for me so I think I should get extra credit. That was what I said as I snatched the last raw cookie.

Raw-ish

Negotiations:

I had a feeling when Benny agreed so easily to this raw food thing that he would reconsider. During our weekend of debauchery we finally got down to the business of discussing what it meant to go raw. The discussion soon turned into a negotiation. Benny has been doing weight watchers and has had success having lost 15 pounds. So he feels like he has found the magic bullet and doesn’t want to tempt fate by going rogue and doing this raw thing. I on the other hand have to be honest with myself and consider that I am an absolute carb loving wine drinking smoker who is useless prior to his morning cup of coffee. If I just stop all of those things it could lead to a meltdown and possible jail time. So I decided that instead of following someone else’s raw detox plan that we would simply create our own William and Benny friendly raw-ish detox.
Here are the rules:
The main goal is to eat things that are not processed. No ingredients that you do not recognize as “food” and nothing white.
As much raw vegetables as possible however grilling and lightly cooking is fine.
I will be allowed to have toast for breakfast however it has to be whole grain. I found bread from a bakery in Oceanside that is high in protein and fiber and has no preservatives.
I will be allowed one cup of coffee first thing in the morning and I can use organic milk from a free range dairy.
No meat.
We can have beans but we have to buy them dry and make them from scratch. We will also make hummus with chickpeas instead of buying it so we can control what is in it.
We can eat brown rice but like the beans we buy it dry and make it old school.
No alcohol :(
No cheese
Nothing fried
Salad dressings are to be all natural with the before mentioned ingredient rule.
No cigarettes ….. This is the big one of course for me. I have promised to begin a “gaba” regimen and will be using natural tabs from the health food store to get thru cravings.
Basically we will be vegetarians. I see now that I will need to change the name of this plan from “Raw” to “vegetarian” although we will primarily be eating raw. We have also purchased a simple whole body cleanse that we start on day one (tomorrow). It’s basically a bunch of herbs that are supposed to start a process of riding our body of toxins.
The plan is that we do this thru September… Benny will be making vegetarian recipes and I will be posting them with photos here on the blog. We can do this!

RAW

More than ten years ago I joined in with a couple friends to do a “cleanse”. I was young and already really thin and hardly ate anyway but I saw it as an opportunity to lose weight and finally be perfect. It was a huge disaster….
Within two days I was having a breakdown from lack of carbs and caffeine. In retrospect we had been so unprepared and hadn’t really researched raw recipes and things that could make our life easier. We had actually paid hundreds of dollars for this “cleanse” so quitting felt like the ultimate failure. However after about a week I caved and stood in front of my friends crying and admitted defeat. Ever since then I thought there is no way I would ever even consider doing something so ridiculous ever again… Until now.
Now I am 35 and live in the suburbs with my partner. We are a robust food loving couple that revels in a good bottle of wine (or two) and loves to eat well. Neither of us waste time and energy worrying about fitting into skinny jeans however I do miss the days of having only one chin and I confess that the smoking has become a demon that I no longer take lightly. So in an effort to clean up our life and hopefully extend it we have begun to make some changes in our home. We got rid of the TV in our living room and cancelled the cable in the bedroom. We now read, watch movies, and of course cook amazing meals. This felt like a positive step in the right direction and so far has been a relatively easy transition. I also got rid of the super comfy patio chairs in an effort to make my smoking retreat less comfortable and instead make space for Benny to paint. Now I simply stand out there and smoke while missing those wonderful chairs…
Recently while wandering thru Jimbos (the health food store) I came across this whole display of raw foods. It was a refrigerated case with things like raw tortilla chips! WHAT?!?!?! If they had those back when we attempted the cleanse I totally could have done it. SO it got me thinking. What if Benny and I commit to eating raw for a month? We could seek out recipes and make it fun. Jimbos even has raw entrees in their deli case, we could totally do this. So over a bottle of wine I brought up the idea to Benny as I lit a cigarette. Surprisingly he said yes. So we’re on! I intend to spend the next few days preparing and researching so we can get started in the next week. I also plan on blogging about how wonderful and exciting the experience is as we go thru it. (He said sarcastically)… Look I know this is going to suck and we will probably kill each other after the first week… But think about how entertaining that will be for you the reader :) stay tuned…..

I had Oliver by my side for 14 years

I had Oliver by my side for 14 years. When I really let myself think about that and reflect on who I am now verses who I was when I brought that little guy home, let’s just say it’s a long story…
Of course I knew that someday I would have to go thru losing Oliver and over the past couple years I did my best to prepare and to be truthful it hurt just as much as I thought it would and I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. I was so grateful that I was able to control the situation and that the landscape of my life looks the way it does. I know that if I had lost Oliver 5 years ago I would have been angry and felt alone. I reflect on my 20’s and can only imagine how much more insane they would have been if it had not been for Oliver. I always had him to consider and of course to come home to.
Most of all I am so thankful that Oliver and I found Benny. He brought a calming pure love to our world that seemed to fit so well. We seemed to instantly be a family and I had never seen Oliver fall in love with someone so fast. Maybe he just saw how much Benny instantly meant to me and that was good enough for him. They were fast friends and 5 years later when we lost Oliver I know Benny felt it just as strongly as I did. When we came home from the vet that day we felt like our home was empty. Oliver had always been “mine” but that day I realized that in the past 5 years Oliver had actually become “ours”. As much as we had talked about it and had tried to prepare we both simply felt gutted and sat in silence for days each of us taking turns breaking down.
I had never lost anyone that I was around on a daily basis before I lost Oliver. I had certainly lost people I loved but the absence of someone you have been around every day for 14 years is intense. I was also surprised at the weird things people do and say in those situations. Most of our friends and family were as usual supportive and loving. But there were a couple people that said and did some things that left us sort of …. Puzzled. But I think sometimes people just don’t know what to say and they scramble so whatever. I kept waiting to have some “medium” type moment where Oliver would come to me in a dream and I would know that I had made the right decision to put him down or to tell me that he had met Marilyn Monroe in heaven or something. But it hasn’t happened. Instead it just slowly started to hurt a little less and I cried a little less every day. I still miss him and every once in awhile it hits me and I have a little private melt down.
We got another dog exactly a month after Oliver died. It was much sooner than I would have thought but it felt right. Like Oliver he was a rescue and like Oliver I knew immediately upon meeting him that I was supposed to be his daddy. Of course now I am older and can actually afford him so things feel different. I joke that with Oliver I was a young single parent and I made mistakes but did the best I knew how and thank god he turned out as good as he did. With Milo (the new dog) I actually feel like I know what I am doing and I have Benny to co-parent with. We are quite simply the best gay daddies that ever lived. About a week after we got Milo I had an unexpected melt down over Oliver. It took me by surprise and I just wept. Benny comforted me and Milo leapt into action whimpering and pacing wondering what was wrong. He jumped up on the bed and got right in my face and kissed my tears. He’s just barely a year old and has that crazy “I’m gonna poop on your couch” look in his eye but still seems to have this deep love and loyalty to us already. Right then I knew it was ok to love Milo and that Oliver probably did too. Milo will certainly never replace Oliver and of course the connection will never be as deep because… It just won’t. But I do love Milo and I am enjoying watching him figure things out and I love that he belongs to Benny and I and that we have a whole new journey ahead of us with him. Life is good and I am certain Oliver is happy and has fallen in love with Milo too.

I love bitchy women...

I was laying in bed the other night and couldn't sleep so I turned on the tv and started flipping thru the channels. We recently cut the cable down to the minimum so my choices were limited. I watched a Mexican soap opera and made up what was going on for awhile then finally settled on an old black and white movie. I have no idea what the movie was and didn't recognize any of the actors but was totally pulled in by a female character. She was fabulous in every gay sense of the word. When she lit one of her non-filter cigarettes it was a whole process. She tapped it on her cigarette case and then lit it with her own zippo lighter not allowing a man to light it for her. Her first drag gave off an energy of ..."and what?" almost daring anyone to say something to her. Throughout the hour or so that I watched this movie the character was just a bad ass. She said what she meant and she had balls. She wasn't masculine, she was a bitch, a serious bitch not to be messed with.

There is a long history of gay men adoring strong women. There is nothing more entertaining than watching the look on a straight man's face when he realizes he has underestimated a woman. We love to watch a woman call a man on his shit and then shred him with her words or even better kick his ass.

I get annoyed with women when they fall into that wimpy girly role. Grown women who talk in a baby voice or stand next to their man while he's being a total douche bag and say nothing. It's sad to watch women give their power away. It's also a little infuriating because it's lazy. It's hard to be a bitch and it's hard to have a backbone and say what you mean.

I suppose what it boils down to is I love bitchy women. I love women that are not defined by the man they love and who are strong, independent and fearless. I think we should re-evaluate the meaning of a bitch. I think the negative usage of that word is old fashioned. Women should take that word back and wear it with pride. You think I'm a bitch? watch this little man.....

I love bitchy women, I support all you bitches, keep up the good work!

Don't shake your head at me...

So everyone has had it done to them and most people have done it themselves. Your driving and for whatever reason another driver gets annoyed with you and you look in your rear view mirror and they are shaking their head. It's like the universal signal for "shame on you for cutting me off". I try really hard to never do this, mainly because I don't think that most traffic disagreements are that serious. I just don't get that invested in the whole thing. I certainly have flipped out a time or too on the road, I mean have you met me? But I try really hard to just keep in perspective and not get too worked up.

Yesterday Benny and I went to the grocery store. Ok now if you know me you know that this is tempting fate anyway because grocery stores and I have a history. Yesterday was also a particularly challenging day because Oliver (the dog) is sick and after almost 14 years with this dog I am horrified that I may have to say goodbye soon. So this gives you an idea of where I am at as we pull into the suburban grocery store parking lot.

We get out of the car and start walking toward the store and a woman is backing out of a parking space. We stand there and let her back out then start to walk. Now apparently she was not pleased that we did not continue to stand there while she pulled away. So as we are walking in front of this soccer mom sporting her rag top Benji haircut she does the head shake..... TO US!

Next thing you know I am off and flapping my jaw at this woman..."really?".... "and what?".... My inner Chola jumped right out and was about to handle this bitch! Poor thing freaked out and squealed her tires to get away. Meanwhile Benny is shuffling as far away from me as he can..."I don't know that guy"....

Don't shake your head at me!

I’m thankful that I made it thru the 90’s without a tribal arm band tattoo…

Everyone once and a while I have a flash memory of being in my early 20’s running amuck in my new found gay freedom. Trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted. The adventure was amazing and yes there were some casualties of the heart and even a couple physical scars. But I am thankful that I didn’t succumb to all of the trends. I certainly applied glitter generously before heading to the club wearing my loud club shirt, candy necklace, and vintage bell bottoms. I wore CK One and I had an earring to match every outfit. Even though I got a couple tattoos they are hidden and I still feel that I can justify them. But thank god I didn’t get that damn tribal arm band thing…..