I had Oliver by my side for 14 years

I had Oliver by my side for 14 years. When I really let myself think about that and reflect on who I am now verses who I was when I brought that little guy home, let’s just say it’s a long story…
Of course I knew that someday I would have to go thru losing Oliver and over the past couple years I did my best to prepare and to be truthful it hurt just as much as I thought it would and I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. I was so grateful that I was able to control the situation and that the landscape of my life looks the way it does. I know that if I had lost Oliver 5 years ago I would have been angry and felt alone. I reflect on my 20’s and can only imagine how much more insane they would have been if it had not been for Oliver. I always had him to consider and of course to come home to.
Most of all I am so thankful that Oliver and I found Benny. He brought a calming pure love to our world that seemed to fit so well. We seemed to instantly be a family and I had never seen Oliver fall in love with someone so fast. Maybe he just saw how much Benny instantly meant to me and that was good enough for him. They were fast friends and 5 years later when we lost Oliver I know Benny felt it just as strongly as I did. When we came home from the vet that day we felt like our home was empty. Oliver had always been “mine” but that day I realized that in the past 5 years Oliver had actually become “ours”. As much as we had talked about it and had tried to prepare we both simply felt gutted and sat in silence for days each of us taking turns breaking down.
I had never lost anyone that I was around on a daily basis before I lost Oliver. I had certainly lost people I loved but the absence of someone you have been around every day for 14 years is intense. I was also surprised at the weird things people do and say in those situations. Most of our friends and family were as usual supportive and loving. But there were a couple people that said and did some things that left us sort of …. Puzzled. But I think sometimes people just don’t know what to say and they scramble so whatever. I kept waiting to have some “medium” type moment where Oliver would come to me in a dream and I would know that I had made the right decision to put him down or to tell me that he had met Marilyn Monroe in heaven or something. But it hasn’t happened. Instead it just slowly started to hurt a little less and I cried a little less every day. I still miss him and every once in awhile it hits me and I have a little private melt down.
We got another dog exactly a month after Oliver died. It was much sooner than I would have thought but it felt right. Like Oliver he was a rescue and like Oliver I knew immediately upon meeting him that I was supposed to be his daddy. Of course now I am older and can actually afford him so things feel different. I joke that with Oliver I was a young single parent and I made mistakes but did the best I knew how and thank god he turned out as good as he did. With Milo (the new dog) I actually feel like I know what I am doing and I have Benny to co-parent with. We are quite simply the best gay daddies that ever lived. About a week after we got Milo I had an unexpected melt down over Oliver. It took me by surprise and I just wept. Benny comforted me and Milo leapt into action whimpering and pacing wondering what was wrong. He jumped up on the bed and got right in my face and kissed my tears. He’s just barely a year old and has that crazy “I’m gonna poop on your couch” look in his eye but still seems to have this deep love and loyalty to us already. Right then I knew it was ok to love Milo and that Oliver probably did too. Milo will certainly never replace Oliver and of course the connection will never be as deep because… It just won’t. But I do love Milo and I am enjoying watching him figure things out and I love that he belongs to Benny and I and that we have a whole new journey ahead of us with him. Life is good and I am certain Oliver is happy and has fallen in love with Milo too.