Family

Driving home from a few days with family is always such a time of reflection. I think about that old saying about how you can’t choose your family and I realize that it’s actually a good thing. I admit to having avoided most of my extended family through the years. Old wounds and judgments die hard I guess. But this past few days standing with my mother and her side of the family in a hospital waiting room I looked around and at first thought “oh my god this is my tribe.” It’s terrifying and sort of annoying to be honest. But driving home late at night I had time to think about that tribe and everything I have learned from them.

I have learned from some of them the kind of person I want to be and of course from others the kind of person I don’t want to be. We are a hot mess like every other family although I am certain we are louder than most. All of the battles and scars rise to the surface when we get into a room. I looked around and saw how we each have handled the journey, some of us took a big “fuck you” attitude toward the world and some of us took the “poor me” route. But here we all stand together after all of these years because one of us is sick. Family is interesting that way. People that you would normally never be around are in your life whether you like it or not. When I was younger I hated that. Now I realize that it’s important to have those relationships. If you can get to place of acceptance it can be such a valuable exercise in staying true to who you are.

I was there for an hour and my grandmother turned to me and said “god you got fat!”… At age 12 that would of sent me spinning. But I laughed at her, lifted up my shirt and started smooshing my man boobs together and singing “I am a sexy bear.” Poor thing didn’t know what hit her. She has always been such a challenge for me, her voice like a smoke alarm that you can’t turn off. Admittedly she makes me crazy. She always has something to say about the way you’re living your life or what car you’re driving or bla bla bla. Of course the most judgmental people are the most insecure and I often wonder what she could have been if she had made different choices in her life. She has never been anything but my grandfather’s wife and she would tell you that has been enough for her but I wonder… I wonder if watching my mother take on the world and raise children while still following her own dreams irritated her. It’s the classic mother daughter saga of a mother who secretly envies her daughters strength so she tries her hardest to break that spirit. I see that now has been my grandmother’s secret battle. I think my mother has a handle on that relationship now and is able to navigate through the comments and stupid remarks. I resented that before but now I admire it. How incredible to be able to show love and support to someone who doesn’t have the capacity to give it back. My mother is amazing and such a great example of loving because it’s the kind of person you want to be not because the other person deserves it.

I was so happy to get home to my life and my home. The life and home that my grandparents refuse to acknowledge or accept. I sat with my partner and drank a glass of wine and told him all the stories from the trip and we laughed and I cried a little. This is life, messy and inconvenient. Constantly being tested and presented with things that force you to make decisions about the kind of person I want to be. I am a little bit of all them I suppose and I love them. I don’t like them all of the time and I really love those hundreds of miles that separate us but I can honestly say that I wouldn’t trade them. They are my tribe, and I own it. I even love it I think.